


The Righteous Side Of Hell

by Eternal Scribe (Shadowcat)



Category: Pacific Rim (2013), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drift Bond, Drift Compatibility, Drift Side Effects, Durincest, Explicit Language, Fíli Angst, Fíli Feels, Fíli is Not Happy About This, Jaeger Pilots, Kili angst, Kíli Feels, M/M, Protective Fíli, The Drift (Pacific Rim), Worried Kíli
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-22 23:30:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9629828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowcat/pseuds/Eternal%20Scribe
Summary: There are no secrets in the Drift.Fili Durin was only a pilot for a year when his first Drift partner was killed. Four years later the Marshal requests his return as they have a new Ranger prodigy that needs a partner and he is convinced that Fili will be perfectly compatible with him.Fili shows up and is furious to see that their new recruit is his beloved baby brother, Kili.Fili has no doubt that he and Kili are more than perfectly Drift compatible. However, there are no secrets in the Drift and Fili is afraid of Kili seeing certain things in his mind.Kili has his own secrets, but he knows that he and Fili have the potential to be the best Jaeger team out there because of how close they have always been and how they can communicate without words.Secrets aren't the biggest problem Fili has with this arrangement, though. Fighting Kaiju are dangerous and he knows that if anything happens to Kili it will kill him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banner made for me by the amazing [Linane](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Linane)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gathering Fiki Winter Fandom Raffle Exchange 2017. 
> 
> Prompt #50 -- **Two steps forward and two steps back**

He hadn’t made it very difficult for them to locate him. Then again, the guide shouldn’t have been so surprised when the two uniforms had shown up. Commander Marshal Thorin Oakenshield and his second, Ranger Dwalin Fundin, were known far and wide at being able to find whomever they set their minds to hunting.

“May I ask, sirs, why you are seeking the lad? He generally doesn’t like to be disturbed by strangers. It’s part of why he lives so far out in the wilds.”

“He’ll agree to see us,” Dwalin said, peering through the fog with some annoyance.

“But why? I never would have gotten the idea that he was much connected with the military.”

Dwalin snorted, but Thorin gave a smile that was more threatening than anything else. “Fili Durin is my nephew. We’re family.”

“Huh. He hasn’t talked much about his family -- well, if you don’t count a little brother he sometimes mentions when he’s in his cups.”

“Does he drink a lot, then?” Dwalin asked as he exchanged looks with Thorin.

“Not any more than the rest of us out here. Drunken oblivion is something we can't indulge in very often. The wilds are not a place you want to be without your full faculties about you.”

Before either man could comment further, a form materialized out of the fog. He was quiet as he approached them, but once he was standing in front of them, he sighed.

“Family business or Military?”

“A bit of both, Fili.” Thorin answered evenly. “I expected it to take longer to find you.”

“Why? You had everything but my exact coordinates. I told you how to find me if you ever needed me.”

Thorin took a deep breath and gave his nephew a serious look. “Ranger Durin, you’re needed back at main base.”

“Damn it.” 

Fili closed his eyes for a long moment, trying to get himself centered. He had hoped he would have more time before he would be summoned back to service by his commander and his uncle. It had only been four years since he had walked away from everything after the tragedy. Four years filled with pain, guilt and not a few nightmares. Four years since he had faced anything remotely like the Kaiju he had once gleefully fought.

“What's happened? Why now?”

“The attacks have increased and our men are fewer than ever before,” Dwalin answered. “We have a brand new prototype Jaeger that we want to send into battle.”

“But?”

“We need a second pilot. The man we’re putting in there is a natural and he’s amazing. He’s beat every one of the previous training records.”

“ _Every_ one?”

“Yes, kid, including yours,” Thorin responded. “Seventy-five drops, seventy-six kills.”

“Seventy-six?”

“He found a second Kaiju in one of the exercises that no other student had noticed before.” Dwalin smirked. “Bifur was thrilled that someone had finally recognized it after all of this time.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“We can’t seem to find anyone one hundred percent Drift compatible with him. He’s young and hot-headed, sure, but he is also really Damn focused on every objective. Any of the prospective partners we try out with him fail in one way or another. They compete with him, they challenge him, but they don’t _dance_ with him.”

Fili was curious and he was definitely interested. “What makes you think I’ll be different?”

“Gut instinct,” Thorin answered honestly. “We can feel it down to the stone that you’ll be able to merge with him. We also think that your experience and age will temper his youth and fire just enough without snuffing him out completely.”

“Trying to snuff out his fire would destroy him,” Dwalin agreed with a nod. “His fire is part of what makes him the guy that he is.”

“We can force him to work with someone that isn’t as compatible,” Thorin said reluctantly. “Desperate times breed desperate measures and all of that. But I’m worried that it would do more harm than good.”

“To your pilot or to the program?” Fili’s tone was not exactly respectful, but it wasn’t completely challenging, either.

“Both,” Thorin’s answer was blunt. “However, I will admit only right now that I am more concerned with what would happen to him if he gets placed with the wrong person because that’s all we have.”

Fili frowned and shook his head. “Damn you, Uncle.”

Thorin and Dwalin were silent as they watched Fili and finally he sighed.

“Fine. I’ll go back with you and meet him. I’ll even go through the trial combats to see what he’s got. But I’m not going to promise anything. If we don’t connects and mesh, then we don’t. I’m not going to force either of us into a Drift situation that won’t work just to protect your ego or prevent your gut feeling from coming out wrong. I won’t endanger either one of us like that.”

“That’s all we ask. Lad,” Dwalin grinned. “But I can guarantee that you really are the perfect one to Drift with our boy and pilot _Arkenstone_.”

“How old is your golden boy and what’s his name?”

“He’s nineteen, our youngest pilot. As for his name, well, we’ll wait to tell you until you meet him so that you don’t hear his name and hold it against him.”

“Famous family?”

“Yeah, you could say that. Almost royalty in the military,” Dwalin said with a grin. “Wouldn’t want you to run away with your tail between your legs upon hearing his name.”

Fili frowned and bit back a growl. “I wouldn’t run away. I said I would come and try him out and I will.”

“Then let’s get your stuff and head back to the airport,” Thorin inserted. “There’s supposed to be a storm hitting this area tonight, and I would like to be gone and on the way back to the Shatterdome before it does.”

“Yeah, alright,” Fili sighed. “Let’ go get my stuff and we can go back right away.”

* * *

When they arrived at the Shatterdome, Fili looked around only slightly. It didn’t look like much had changed within the last few years. Everything looked pretty much the same way it looked the last time he had seen it. He only got interested when they started leading him through the mechanical areas where all of the Jaeger were stationed. Some were being worked on by their crews and others were silent sentinels as their group walked past. It was when they got to the Jaeger at the end of the row that Fili’s breath caught.

He couldn’t have explained it if anyone asked, but there was something about this one that drew him in. He hadn’t even had this strong of a reaction when he first started piloting _Erebor_ five years ago.

“Fili, meet _Arkenstone_. She’s state of the art in every way and our newest weapon against the Kaiju. I don’t know all of the particulars, but Bofur and Elrond assure us that it's like nothing anyone has ever seen,” Thorin said with pride. “The pilots that connect within the Drift while in _Arkenstone_ go deeper and stay connected even if the mechanics fail.”

Fili turned to Thorin and Dwalin with a slight frown of confusion on his face. “How is that even possible?” 

Dwalin shook his head. “I’m not exactly sure how to explain it, to be honest. It’s one of the reasons matching up our Raven up with the right person is so important. The wrong person linked up in the neural handshake with him could fry his mind beyond repair if they decide to try to control him too much.”

“Does he need to be controlled?”

“No!” Thorin snapped. When he saw the confusion on his nephew’s face, he sighed. “Not at all. Raven needs to be tempered, but not controlled. He’s a natural pilot, but he’s entirely too damn driven.”

“How is anyone who is willing get to fight in this war against these monsters considered to be _too_ driven? It seems to me that being driven and determined is a damn good thing. It means that they won't bail and run on their partner.”

Thorin looked pained, so it was Dwalin was the one to answer him.

“Raven puts a lot of pressure on himself to succeed and be the best Ranger and soldier that is possible. Like we said before, his family is kind of like military royalty. His uncle and grandfather were Rangers and then Marshals. His father, two uncles and a couple of cousins have died in combat against the Kaiju. His elder brother was wounded pretty badly and was discharged from the military.” Dwalin sighed heavily. “Kid’s got it into his mind that he has to be the best and that there is no room for anything else with him if he wants to live up to his family's legacy.”

Fili missed the look Dwalin gave Thorin.

“That’s an awful lot of pressure for a nineteen year old to put on himself,” Fili said in concern. “The wrong personality paired up with him could cause him to burn out or break him if they don’t connect both inside and outside of the Jaeger.”

“It’s why we need you to partner with him, Fili. We think you could help him and maybe in turn he can help you.” Thorin explained quietly.

“When do I meet this new hero of the resistance?”

“Tonight after dinner. He’s been in training all day so the trials will happen this evening.” Dwalin answered. “It will also give you time to either rest or work out. You might want to make sure you’re still in fighting form --”

“I’ve stayed in top form, Dwalin. Just because I wasn't here doesn't mean that all of my training fell to the wayside. When I wasn't on the boats, I was lifting and working out.”

Dwalin snorted. “Raven has been training with me daily since he arrived.”

“Good. He might offer me a real work out, then.”

“Pretty cocky for a guy who I haven't worked with in four years.”

“It’s not like working for Dain was any kind of a breeze. It’s why I signed up with him after I left the program.”

“Still not me.”

“We’ll see, old man.”

* * *

Time seemed to go by pretty fast for Fili the rest of the day. When he had his sparring tests with Dwalin, he was happy to find out that his body fell back into old routines very quickly. Dwalin seemed impressed, though he did have criticism to give him on a few of his moves.

A few times during his day, he could have sworn someone was watching him very closely, but every time he turned around, there was no one there that wasn’t supposed to be.

Trying to shake off the strange feeling, he fell into his routines from the last time he was at a base. He showered, took a short nap, and then spent some time doing his meditations.

The meditations always helped him to ground and center before a fight or before training. He had been told over and over how important this was and how badly they needed someone to be compatible with their young prodigy. It was hard being back here, but Thorin wouldn’t have come to get him personally if he hadn’t really been needed.

A knock came at the door to his quarters and he got to his feet in one fluid movement. He smiled when he found Bifur standing there. He gave his old friend and chief technical officer a hug.

“Fili, it’s good to see you, lad. I didn’t believe it when Thorin and Dwalin said they were bringing you back into the fold.”

“Yeah, well, they have a prodigy pilot that they want me to test with,” Fili said easily. “They keep talking him up that he’s this special talent, but I am expecting to find that he’s really some young dumb kid who likes being the center of attention.”

Beside him, Bifur stiffened and then growled something under his breath in another language that Fili couldn’t quite catch. “Fili, did they not tell you about the kid?”

“They said his name is Raven and that he’s talented and driven. Apparently he’s from military royalty.” He shook his head. “The last guy I experienced being royalty and driven got himself killed. This is not the line of work for someone wanting fame and to be the center of attention.”

“I am going to kill the Marshal,” Bifur growled a little louder. “Fili… when you come face to face with the kid, don’t blame him for any of this. He’s here because he loves and idolizes his older brother. He feels he owes his brother everything he is because his brother always took care of him when he was younger. When he… lost… his brother a few years ago, he faked his age on documents to finish school and then get through training. He’s more solemn than Thorin has led you to believe and he’s not in it for any kind of glory. He genuinely wants to help people and do some good. He doesn’t care about the attention. He just wants his brother to be proud of him.” Bifur sighed. “He’s a good kid, Fili. Don’t hold the actions of your uncles against him.”

Fili was confused by Bifur’s vehemence, but nodded at him. “I promise, Bifur, I’ll judge the newbie on his own actions and merits. I’m here to see if I can help him be everything that he’s apparently meant to be.”

“See that you do. The boy has enough on his shoulders and in his head without adding your anger to it.” Bifur squeezed his shoulder. “I’ll see you after the trials.”

* * *

Fili was still turning his friend’s words over in his head when he got his first glimpse of the kid called Raven. He couldn’t see his face, but he could see that this kid was very talented in sparring at least. He moved fluidly from one stance to the next and as Fili watched him, his own nerves prickled with excitement and adrenaline. He felt a pull to him unlike anything he had felt except for once before.

He wanted to dance with this guy.

He wanted to _do things_ to this guy.

It was his turn and when he grabbed a staff and stepped onto the mats, he got the shock of his life when Raven turned to greet him.

Wide brown eyes full of confusion, fear and surprise met his own blue ones as his potential partner stepped back slightly.

_He just wants his brother to be proud of him…_

_He just wants…_

_He lost…_

_His brother._

_His brother._

_Brother._

He thought he was okay to come back. He thought he could handle anything that happened. 

He was wrong. He could feel himself sliding backwards through all of the mental and emotional healing he had fought for.

Now, Bifur’s attitude and his cryptic words made so much sense. Now, his worry over how Fili would react to the prodigy and his anger at Thorin and Dwalin was understandable. He felt his breath leave his chest as he stared at someone he hadn’t seen in years.

He was going to kill Thorin for this.

“Kili.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gathering Fiki Winter Fandom Raffle Exchange.
> 
> Prompt #26 -- **Black and Blue**

“F-Fili.” There was wariness in his eyes and a little fear; Fili didn’t like seeing any kind of fear in his brother’s eyes. He especially didn’t like that for some reason _he_ was the cause of said fear. “I-I didn’t know he was making you come back, I swear.”

“Not now,” Fili bit out, wincing inwardly at the realization that he was doing nothing to reassure Kili that it wasn’t him that he was angry with. He swung his staff to a graceful position and nodded his head. “Show me.”

Kili nodded and Fili was stunned at how seamlessly his brother went from wary kid to … well, he didn’t know if any description could ever do his brother justice in this moment.

_They danced._

Kili was fluid and graceful in his movements and Fili was able to easily match him blow for blow. No matter how he was feeling about everything else, he couldn’t help but be proud of just how skillful Kili had become. He didn’t waste time with moves or strikes that wouldn’t achieve his desire and he definitely made Fili work to block him and land blows of his own.

The two of them lost track of everything except for the other and the dance they were in the midst of. They went from trading strikes with each other to moving in tandem as they fought with shadows. When teams of two started appearing on their floor to challenge them, the brothers fell into an easy rhythm of exchanging blows and blocking blows for each other.

They were so into what they were doing that Dwalin had to call out time to them twice to get them to back down and then stop. Fili took notice of the fact that there were more people standing around the training floor than there had been when he had stepped up to challenge Raven.

No.

Not Raven. Kili.

Thorin was putting Kili into a Jaeger and had gotten Fili to come back using half truths.

Thorin was willing to send the most important person to Fili out to fucking die.

Kili stepped up to him and reached a hand out to touch his arm. He was dripping with sweat and Fili recalled that earlier Thorin and Dwalin had said he had been in training all day. He pulled his arm away, hating the way his brother’s mouth drooped into a frown.

“Fili?”

“Later,” he snapped, sighing as Kili flinched. “Go get cleaned up. I will come find you after I talk with Thorin and Dwalin.”

“No you won’t,” he heard his brother whisper as he turned to walk away. “You never do.”

He waited until Kili was out of sight and then closed his eyes as he fought to regain his equilibrium and calm his racing heart. How could Thorin have done this to him? He knew what he had been through! How could he be so willing to endanger Kili and risk him being damaged like Fili had been or worse?!

How could he have tricked him into coming back here?

Once he was sure he had stopped shaking from adrenaline and anger, and that he had his temper under control, he walked over to Thorin and Dwalin.

“Told you our boy was a phenomenon,” Dwalin greeted him.

“Do. Not.”

Thorin looked at Fili and sighed. “Not here.”

He led the two of them down a hall and then another until they were in his private office. As soon as the door was closed, Thorin turned to his oldest nephew.

“Fili, you have to understand --”

“Understand what, Thorin? Understand that you are willing to put the last of my family into a situation where he could get killed?! It’s not enough for you that I lost my parents, my grandfathers and too many cousins to count, now you have to sacrifice my baby brother, too?!”

“Fili, I lost them, too.”

“You weren’t in the Jaeger when your father was ripped out of it!” Fili snarled, slamming his fist on the desk. “If Dad hadn’t shoved me out of the neural handshake for some damn reason, who knows what would have happened to my mind?”

Thorin paled and had the grace to look regretful but before he could say anything, Dwalin spoke up.

“Fili, we’re lucky that we even found out Kili was in the program and had graduated as a ranger.”

Fili glared at him. “What are you talking about?”

“He was originally sent to the Anchorage Shatterdome,” Dwalin answered as Thorin took a seat behind his desk. “We only found out about it because Marshal Pentecost contacted us after he recognized Kili.”

“Recognized him how?”

Thorin pointed at the framed photo on his desk. It was a photo of Fili in his uniform and he had his arm around the shoulder of his teenage brother. “He’s seen that photograph often enough.”

“How could you not know he had enlisted?”

“Because he didn’t tell us. And when he disappeared from school after his graduation, we had no idea where he went.”

“Did you even look for him, Thorin?”

“Of course I did! He was nowhere to be found and when my duties required I return, Nori and Ori continued with the search. We found no sign of him.”

“His name would have been flagged at the academies,” Fili pointed out. “It’s one of the drawbacks to being _military royalty_.” His tone was bitter as he reminded them of what they had said about why they wouldn’t give him a name for their prodigy.

“He didn’t use any of the family names,” Dwalin drawled. “Not Durin, Oakenshield or Fundin. So he wasn’t flagged by the system when his papers went through that time. We had a hell of a time getting everything corrected.”

“What name did Kili use then and how did he manage it?”

Thorin looked like he had bit into something unpleasant. “Killian Greenleaf.”

Fili stared for a moment and then he had to laugh. “He used Thranduil’s last name?”

There had never been any love lost between Thranduil and Thorin. Thorin was die-hard military and Thranduil was a scientist through and through. It hadn’t helped any when his son, Legolas, was partnered with Fili’s cousin, Gimli, and then both were killed in the same Kaiju attack that had cost Fili his father.

“He did and Thranduil apparently helped him get all of the phony paperwork he needed to get through training and then assigned to a Shatterdome.”

“We’re lucky that Pentecost recognized him and contacted us or who knows what could have happened.”

Fili knew very well what could have happened. Kili could have been killed and he never would have known. He would have wondered forever what had happened after his brother had disappeared.

“What a fucking mess.” He leaned against the wall and ran his hand over his face.

“Fili,” Thorin sighed tiredly. “I am sorry about all of this and if you still want to leave, we will arrange a transport to wherever you wish to go.”

Dwalin stiffened and stood up straight. “Thorin, we need him. He’s the perfect match for Kili. You saw them on the mats and there is no reason that they won’t be compatible in the Drift.”

“We can put Arwen in _Arkenstone_ with Kili. She was the closest match with him before today.”

“Arwen is already partnered with her husband in _Strider_ , and her twin brothers pilot _Imladris_ ,” Dwalin said unhappily. “They are a well-oiled team and I think it’s a bad idea to change that and I’m sure Aragorn and Elrond will have something to say about your idea.”

“They all know the risks and requirements, Dwalin. They know what’s at stake here.”

“Yeah,” Fili spat bitterly. “Their lives and their sanity.” He pushed himself away from the wall. “You’re still a bastard just like you always have been and I am the fool who thought all of the losses we have suffered through had made you more human in the last four years.”

“Where are you going?” Thorin asked him.

“To find my brother, not that I really think it’s any of your business. I said I would stay and test with him, and I will.”

“And after?”

“I don’t fucking know. However, if you try to pressure me or try to play any of your manipulative games with me or Kili, I am leaving and taking him with me.”

“What makes you think he’ll go with you?”

“It’s Kili.”

Fili slammed the door on his way out and when the sound died away, Dwalin took a seat and frowned at Thorin. “That was a shit thing to do to him.”

“We need him, Dwalin, and he needs this.”

“He doesn’t trust you. You heard him. He knows that you didn’t search as hard for Kili as you should have when he disappeared. He’s always felt you treated his brother like an afterthought because Kili didn’t want to join the military. The only reason he entrusted you with his care after Vili was killed was because Kili was away at school and Fili’s head was messed up.”

“As much as that pains me, right now, I don’t need his trust, just his obedience to the rules.”

Dwalin sighed and shook his head. “I know you better than that, Thorin. You can spout bullshit as well as any other bureaucrat, but if the pilots don’t trust in you, then it all goes to shit. If Fili truly doesn’t trust you with Kili’s well-being, he really will take him and leave. I know that bothers you.”

“Kili went to great lengths to become a ranger and a pilot, Dwalin. Fili won’t get him to turn his back on all of this or what remains of our family.”

“You seem to be forgetting one very important thing, Thorin. Kili didn’t do all of this for you, or me or any of the rest of the family. He did it for Fili. No one else. For Fili. If Fili asks him to choose, Kili will choose Fili over all of us and we’ll never see them again.”

* * *

Fili was struggling to get his temper under control after he slammed out of Thorin’s office. Thorin was as much of a bastard as he had been his whole life. He had hoped his uncle had changed, but that was obviously a hopeless wish. He still acted like he was the king and everyone else were pawns to move around on a chess board at his whims. Fili had tried for years to cut Thorin some slack. After all, he had lost his mother and wife in a kaiju attack. It was understandable that he was obsessed with destroying all of the kaiju and making sure they couldn’t come back.

However, over the years, Thorin’s obsession had taken on a life of its own. As his obsession grew, Fili lost more and more of his family: his mom, his grandfather, his cousin, Balin, Dori, Bombur… and then his father. 

His brother was all he had left and it seemed like Thorin was determined to sacrifice him to his vendetta, as well.

He refused to let that happen. He meant what he said to his uncles; if Thorin tried any of his bullshit, he and Kili would be gone.

His thoughts turned to his brother as he entered his quarters to grab a towel and a clean change of clothes. He had a lot of questions where his brother was concerned. The things he had heard were confusing and some details didn’t measure up.

He also hadn’t liked the sad and defeated tone of Kili’s voice when he had told him he would find him later. Kili had truly believed that he wouldn’t seek him out. That had pained him and made him sad. He’d thought Kili understood why he had needed to go away for awhile. He hadn’t planned on being out of touch with his brother for four years, but it had happened.

Fili stepped beneath the shower and let the hot water run over his body with a relieved groan. Even with being in as good of shape as he was, the spar with Kili had caused a soreness within his body and he knew that later that night he would be black and blue with bruises.

He snorted. Black and blue bruises on his body to go with the ones on his spirit and his soul. He’d have a matched set, but at least the ones marked in his flesh would fade. He was convinced that the others were tattooed into his psyche by now.

As he started running the soap filled sponge over his body, his thoughts returned to his brother.

Four years had definitely caused a lot of changes in Kili. The lanky adolescent had turned into a beautiful and graceful young man. His hair was still black, but he had let it grow longer. He was surprised that their regimental uncle had allowed Kili to keep his long hair. It was probably that he wanted Kili in that Jaeger so badly that he would overlook a great deal to make that happen.

Another thought occurred to him and it had Fili stiffening and tilting his head as he tried to figure out what it was about what Dwalin and Thorin had said to him when they came to the ice cap to get him that was scratching at his mind.

_“He’s nineteen. Our youngest pilot.”_

Nineteen.

Nineteen…

“God fucking damn it!” Fili cursed as he rinsed the soap off of him and quickly got dried off. “How in the fuck could Thorin have allowed this?!”

Fili shook his head as he started getting dressed. He hadn’t swore this much in years, but he gets back near Thorin and the language of a soldier comes right back to him.

He pulled on his pants as he once more went over the math in his head. Kili had turned fourteen the day of his last drop.

Four years ago.

Four years ago he had been fourteen.

Fourteen!

That meant that with his birthday three months ago, he was eighteen.

Eighteen.

Still of legal age to serve, but a whole year younger than everyone thought.

He really was going to kill or at least beat the hell out of Thorin. He was trying to get Kili killed before he had even had the chance to really live! If he was just now eighteen, it meant he was seventeen, possibly sixteen when he enlisted. How was that possible? How had no one noticed Kili disappearing from school two years before he should have?

He gathered up his dirty clothes and wet towel and left the locker rooms. He stopped off at his room long enough to dump his clothing and make sure he had his credentials on him. It took him a few moments to get Kili’s location -- three doors down and across from where he was assigned. He knocked twice in quick succession and then let himself into his brother’s quarters.

Kili was just sitting up on the bed as Fili shut and locked the door behind him.

“Why in the hell do Thorin and Dwalin think you’re fucking nineteen?!”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gathering Fiki Winter Fandom Raffle Exchange.
> 
> Prompt #81 -- **"You look tired."**

Kili looked surprised to see Fili. He tilted his head slightly as he examined his brother.

“You really did come find me,” he said quietly. “I didn’t expect that you would.”

Fili was overwhelmed with a wave of sadness at the hint of pain in Kili’s words. “Oh, Kee. Of course I came to find you. I said I would.”

“You never have before. You haven’t spoken to me since we lost Dad.”

Fili started to protest, but his words failed him when he looked into those brown eyes that he had seen all of his life. “Kili… you said you understood when I had to go away. I was messed up and I just couldn’t function.”

“ _Four years,_ Fili! I haven’t spoken to you in four years. You went away and left me behind like I didn’t even matter. Like I didn’t exist.”

“I wrote you, Kili.”

“Five times in two years, Fili.”

“You’re wrong. I wrote you more times than that.” He had, right? Granted, for a while, he had lost track of time, but he hadn’t been that out of touch.

“I saved all of your letters, Fee. There have only been five in all of this time.”

Fili didn’t know how to react to that. Maybe if Kili was yelling at him and attacking him, he wouldn’t feel so off balance. But Kili didn’t even raise his voice. He ducked his head looking down at his folded hands and he just sounded so sad. He sounded so damn young.

“Kili…”

“I tried really hard to understand what you were going through and I tried to be sympathetic and accept that you needed time to grieve and to heal. But, Fili… you don’t understand. I lost my dad, too.”

Fili closed his eyes for a long moment. 

“Dwalin and Thorin were supposed to --”

“I didn’t need them to take care of me, and we both know that I was never high on their list. It’s why I was sent away to school. It kept me out of everyone’s hair.”

“I didn’t plan to stay away for so long, Kili.”

“But you did. I lost my dad and my brother all at once.”

Fili couldn’t help the wince of pain that Kili’s words caused. He could see now how everything must have affected his brother, and he had never meant to hurt him so badly. The last thing he had ever wanted to do was cause his brother pain. It had been one of the reasons he thought to put some distance between them. He knew Kili would worry and make himself sick over him trying to heal from his last Kaiju attack.

“I’m sorry, Kee. I didn’t mean to cause you so much pain. I thought --”

“I know you didn’t. I know you thought you were protecting me from what you were going through. But it did hurt, Fee. I lost you and I didn’t even have a way to deal with everything except by myself and whatever I could lose myself in.”

Fili snapped his head up with alarm, but Kili shook his head with a faint smile.

“No, nothing illegal, Fili. I wasn’t about to damage the reputation you had built for us. I just buried myself in school, art and training. I needed something to help with my pain and my anger at the new world of war that stole the most important person in the world from me.”

Fili moved away from the door to sit at the end of Kili’s bed. “Why are Thorin and Dwalin saying that you’re nineteen, Kili?”

Kili shrugged. “You and dad were the only ones in the family besides Gimli that ever got my birthday right, Fili. You know that. Thorin doesn’t know how old I really am, much less my birthday. It used to bother me a lot, how they overlooked me or relegated me to the background because enlisting was never my calling. Now, though? Now that inattention made it just so much easier to achieve what I wanted to do. It was an easy matter to get my age forged as well as give me a false name when I got my papers to enlist and go into ranger training.”

“But school, Kili! How could you drop out two years ahead of time?! Your schooling was so important to us.”

“I didn’t.”

“Kili, I went through bootcamp and then ranger training, remember. There is no way you could have done that and kept up with your schooling.”

“I know, but I didn’t drop out. I tested out of most of my classes the year after dad died. Then I only had a couple and was placed in an accelerated program because of my high marks. I graduated two years early, Fee.”

“You should have told me. I would have come to your graduation.”

“No, you wouldn’t have. Besides, I needed you not to do that because I didn’t want you to try to stop my plan of action.”

Fili could hear the pain in his brother’s voice, even though he was trying to hide it. He honestly believed that Fili wouldn’t have shown up to something that was do important to him. How much damage had he done to his brother and their relationship because he thought what he was doing was the best thing for both of them?

He looked at Kili for a long moment, trying to decipher all of the things he was seeing in the other’s eyes. There was a question that he really wanted to ask, but he was afraid he wouldn’t like the answer. So instead, he asked another question.

“Kili… how did you do it? How did you manage to get enlisted with no one knowing what you were up to?”

Kili shrugged, getting up and moving to his work bench where he started disassembling something while he thought about his words. Fili recognized it as a defense mechanism Kili had developed in childhood. When he was having to deal with or talk about things that were upsetting him, he had to do something with his hands.

_Oh, Kee…_

“Things were… I guess not different, just more blatant and harshly bright to me after you left. I mean, I have always been in the background or on the fringes with people and that used to be fine. If not fine then it was something I could handle for the most part.” He bit his lip, not looking up from the metal in his hands. “You were Thorin’s star and that was okay. I didn’t want anything to do with military or Thorin’s agendas. Being relegated to the shadows was a small enough price to pay to not be pressured all of the time about fighting and surpassing expectations like you always were. I wasn’t skilled or talented like you and so I could stick to my music and my art.”

“Kili…”

“Don’t you… please don’t.” Kili swallowed. “After Dad was killed and you went away… well, no one even noticed me at all. It was like since you guys were gone, I had ceased to exist, too. And I got angry. I got so angry because not only did I not matter, but your life had been taken away and no one cared.” He finished with the first item and reached for another one. From where Fili was sitting on the bed, it looked like Kili was disassembling a firearm of some kind. “Thorin and Dwalin didn’t see me and you had forgotten about me. I tried… I sent out feelers. When I tested out of most of my classes, I allowed the school to send out announcements to the family. After all, I was nephew of the famous Marshal Oakenshield and little brother to the hero Fili Durin. In the eyes of the school administration, that was important. You know how many people responded to the school or contacted me about such a huge fucking accomplishment?”

“Kili, I didn’t --”

“One, Fili. One person in our entire fucking family reached out to me… and it wasn’t you.”

The pain was thicker and so much more raw from Kili and it took everything in Fili for him not to reach out and pull his brother into his arms and hold him close.

“Bifur. Out of everyone, it was Bifur who wrote to me and congratulated me for doing so much with my academics. He wasn’t even blood and he took the time out from all of his responsibilities and duties to tell me that someone remembered that I was alive.”

Fili winced. He was beginning to realize that he had hurt his beloved Kili more than he had ever wanted to. It was something he had never imagined that he was capable of. He had inadvertently robbed him of his touchstone in his life among their family -- something he had always needed and Fili had always been happy to give him.

“A few months later, when I graduated, Bifur and Thranduil were the only ones that showed up. Thranduil knew that I had been friends with his son, Legolas, and that Gimli was my cousin. I later found out that he was insulted on my behalf because of a lot of things that Legolas and Gimli told him.” Kili looked down at the handgun he had stripped and disassembled. He took a deep breath before he started spinning parts in his hand as he talked. “It was Thranduil that helped me put my plan into action and acquired all of the paperwork that I needed for enlistment. He was even able to get me a real identification card with my picture and my new name. See, I knew that the enlistment of Kierlan Durin would be flagged and announced in every news program or messages sent out to bases. I didn’t want that. Thorin had no right to know what I was doing. After all, he didn’t give a damn about what I was doing with my life before, why should he get credit for me going into military training? Killian Greenleaf, on the other hand, would never cause anyone to bat an eye. I would be just another soldier.”

Fili got up from the bed and grabbed Kili’s hand, tugging him to the door.

“Fili? What are you doing? Where are we going?”

“We’re going to the floor. You’re wound up too tightly right now. The dance will do you good and you can have an easier time sorting your thoughts out for me.”

* * *

To be fair, Fili didn’t expect that there would be much talking while they were on the floor. He just wanted to clear some of the tension from his brother’s face; and, well, he wanted to dance with him again.

He firmly pushed aside other things that his brain was supplying him with as he watched Kili pull off his shirt to go through the warm ups. He fought very hard not to think how good Kili’s bare chest looked as he moved through the beginning routine.

Coming back here had brought him closer to more than one kind of hell. However, as he watched Kili, he realized that he wouldn’t let anyone tear him away from his brother again.

When they started the workout, Fili was able to take note of more of Kili’s movements and steps than he was able to earlier during the testing. Kili wasn’t just graceful, he was a natural dancer as he swirled around Fili. Fili found that he was pulled to do more and more as they moved along the floor. For the first few rounds they worked at each others’ strengths and weaknesses as they sparred.

Soon, however, their spar turned into a real dance and Fili could feel his blood singing in his veins as he moved in tandem with his brother. He had never before felt like he was so completely a part of another person as he did in this moment -- and he could only imagine how much more intense they were going to be once they were in the Drift together.

The thought of the Drift had Fili stepping back out of the dance. Kili lowered his staff and gave him a look of confusion.

“Fili? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, but you look tired. How long have you been up today?”

“Since 0400,” his brother responded. “I don’t sleep a lot and I have been in training and meetings all day.”

“Then you need a shower and sleep,” Fili said firmly. “I know you’ve done a lot of testing and simulations, but they are nothing compared to being in the Drift. It will wind you up and then wring you out.”

Kili nodded, but his shoulders were slumped and he looked like he was thinking deeply about something.

They were both quiet as they took their showers and afterward, Fili was untangling his brother’s hair back in Kili’s quarters. It had always been something that soothed his brother when he was stressed and he was pleased to see that it was something that still worked.

Fili was at the door when he turned back to look at Kili. There was something he needed to ask even though he was afraid that he wouldn’t like the answer.

“Hey, Kili?”

“Yeah?”

“Why did you enlist and then go through the ranger training?”

“Because of you.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gathering Fiki Winter Fandom Raffle Exchange 2018.
> 
> Prompt #52 -- **Calloused hands**

It took Fili a long time to get to sleep after he left Kili’s quarters. The revelation that Kili had done all he had done for _him_ kept playing over and over in his head. Of everything he had ever expected to learn, finding out that Kili had decided to endanger himself because of him wasn’t sitting well. The fact that Kili had done everything he had done and gone through everything he was sure his brother had gone through and did it all for him made his head and his chest hurt.

How could Kili think that chasing death like this was what he had to do in order to make _Fili_ proud of him? The uncles, maybe. But _Fili_?

It hurt his heart that the person he loved more than his own life would think that he needed to tempt death or insanity to keep his love.

More than anything he wanted to leave his quarters, storm into Kili’s and drag them both the hell out of here. However, he had made a promise to Thorin and Dwalin to at least go through the tests with Kili and then make his decision. Of course, they didn’t have to know that he was already determined to get Kili out of here before he ever had to face his first Kaiju.

It was the one thing that kept him steady when he felt like parts of him were going to come loose again.

He’d go through all of the tests with his brother and even see if they were compatible in the Drift and the neural handshake. He’d do that much. But he had never promised to actually allow his brother or himself to go into battle.

He turned over on his back, feeling his eyes finally getting heavy enough to sleep as he remembered that simple fact.

* * *

Fili could have sworn he had only been asleep for a few minutes when there was a loud pounding on his door. Groaning, he got up, remembering to at least pull on a pair of pants before he opened the door to yell at whoever was making so much noise when he was trying to sleep.

That intention drained away when he took in the disheveled appearance of Bifur who had apparently raised his fist to pound on the door again.

“Bifur?” His blood ran cold. There was only one reason he could think of that would have his friend in such a state. “Where is he?”

“On the floor. That’s not unusual as he usually goes there to train and work when something is on his mind or he can’t sleep. None of us have ever thought anything of it.” He shook his head. “There’s never been a reason to stop him since it helped center him so much.”

“Bifur.” His normally calm friend was not acting very calm and his eyes were wide.

“He was jumped, Fili. There are other cadets and rangers who have wanted a chance at piloting _Arkenstone_ , but everyone has known from day one that it would be Kili’s Jaeger. So there has been a lot of competition to see who would be his partner. When it looked like Arwen was going to pilot with him, they backed down because no one wants to deal with her husband and brothers coming after them. However, when they found out that a legend had returned and would be piloting _Arkenstone_ with Kili…”

“They decided to take Kili out of the running.” Fili’s voice was a growl. “I’ll kill them.”

“The twins are with him, now. Elrond went to get the Marshal, but you were closer so I came to get you.”

Fili nodded. “Good decision. Let’s go.”

It was only his great strength of will that kept Fili marching side by side with Bifur instead of taking off at a run to the training mats. The idea that Kili was hurt had caused a thread of panic within him that had only calmed when Bifur had assured him that his brother would be all right.

The sight that greeted him when they arrived, however, turned that thread of panic into a white-hot rage. Kili was on the ground, with the brunette woman he recognized as being Kili’s friend Arwen crouched next to him. Two other rangers were on the ground, as well, but they didn’t look like anyone had tended to them and they would probably need help getting to the medic. It was not hard to deduce that they had probably been two of Kili’s attackers and his brother appeared to have wiped the floor with them.

“Bifur,” Kili groaned as Arwen helped him sit up. “You didn’t have to freak Fili out. I’m fine.” His eyes met Fili’s, and that hint of wariness in them once again burned down Fili’s spine. “I didn’t even lose consciousness.”

Fili wince, feeling the weight of those words coming back at him from his little brother. How many times growing up and during his own training had he said that exact phrase to Kili when he had been hurt?

And Kili _was_ hurt. Fili could see the blood trickling from his nose and the blood from his split lip. He could also see the beginnings of what was probably going to blossom into a painful black eye if the swelling was any indicator. 

Trying to bite back his rage, he let his eyes wander around the area until they rested on where Arwen’s twin brothers and her husband had two men pinned against the wall with staffs pressed against their throats.

“Four of them jumped him,” Arwen’s husband, Strider, said without looking at Fili. “He took out two of them before Bolger and his father ran him to the floor.” He had a quiet growl underlying all of his words. “Bolger has been scheming to get into _Arkenstone_ for months. They obviously didn’t do much intel before deciding to go after Kili.”

Fili allowed himself to give Bolger a dismissive look before peering at his father for a long moment. Then he snorted as he recognized the other man. “What happened, Anderson? Your son so lacking in talent and skill that you had to attack my brother from behind en masse? You had never been able to beat my uncle in a fair fight that you decided you and your brainless lackeys would try to cripple his nephew?”

“We won’t going to cripple him,” the older man muttered, glaring at Fili as he realized who was standing there. “Just take him out of the competition for a while.”

“Which still would never have earned you a seat in _Arkenstone_ ,” Dwalin growled as he walked up with Elrond and Thorin. “Thranduil would have piloted it before you would have been allowed at her controls.”

Everyone quieted and stiffened at attention when Thorin stepped on the mats, but a slight gesture with his hand had everyone backing down again. He turned to look at where Kili was getting to his feet and Fili watched fire spark in his uncle’s eyes even as his nostrils flared. He turned his dark eyes on Fili.

“Get him to the infirmary,” Thorin said, his voice colder than Fili had heard it in a long time.

“Marshal,” Kili protested weakly. “I’m fine. I don’t need to see the doctor.”

Thorin didn’t even look at Kili and Fili bristled. “Infirmary, now Ranger Durin.”

Deciding that discretion was the better part of valor, i.e. he needed to leave before he punched his uncle in the face, Fili turned on his heel and went to wrap an arm around his brother. He gave the concerned Arwen a faint smile as they started walking down the passageway putting distance between them and what was probably happening behind them.

At the cross-section of passages, Arwen veered left to walk down the passage that led to the living quarters. After a slight hesitation, Fili also headed to the living quarters. Kili didn’t want to see the doctor, so Fili decided that for now, he would cater to his brother’s wish in this.

Besides, if he saw signs that Kili was injured worse than he appeared, he could always take him to the medic at that time.

Upon reaching Kili’s quarters, his brother opened the door and the two of them entered. Fili kicked the door shut behind them and he helped Kili to the bed and sat him down on it. He walked over to the workbench and opened the mini fridge that was beneath it and then opened the freezer compartment to take out the ice pack.

“You know,” he murmured quietly as he prepared the pack. “These don’t actually need to stay in the freezer. They sit in the kit and when you break them, their chemicals mix to cause them to cool down enough to be used as intended.”

“They don’t get cold enough the other way,” Kili commented. “Sometimes the colder they are the better.”

Fili hummed beneath his breath and nodded as he walked over to his brother and placed the ice pack at his mouth. Kili reached up to hold it there with his hand and Fili sat down next to him.

“This happen often?”

Kili sighed and then shook his head slightly. “No, not like this. I mean, yeah, there’s always someone lately wanting to prove how much better at all of this they are than me, but I’ve never been jumped by a group before.”

Fili sighed and ran his hands through Kili’s hair and then down to massage his neck and shoulders. He could feel how tense his brother was and he wondered how much of the tension was caused by him. There were so many things that he didn’t understand, didn’t know and there was such a cloud of wariness and uncertainty in Kili’s eyes and demeanor.

Emotions that he had never expected to see in Kili.

Emotions that he had put there.

Kili leaned closer to him as Fili rubbed the tension out of his muscles and the aches set in like they should normally do. It wasn’t that he enjoyed the pain, it was more that it was a natural thing to feel and he didn’t feel like he was going to shatter into millions of pieces if spoken to wrong or if someone touched him.

“I like your calluses,” he murmured softly, closing his eyes as Fili loosened his muscles.

“My what?”

“Your calloused hands,” Kili explained. “They feel like something real. They always have. When I was younger and you would visit on leave, I’d feel them when we shook hands or I pulled you somewhere and they always helped to ground me at times. You used to complain that your hands had begun to get rough, but they didn’t seem that way to me. They were just another thing about you that showed how strong and determined you were.”

Fili wasn’t sure just what he was supposed to say to that. While he was trying to form words into a sentence, Kili let out a sigh and all of his weight pushed against him. 

Fili couldn’t help but smile as he shook his head. It was good to know that he still had enough power over his brother that he could relax him enough to fall asleep.


End file.
